I grew up Mennonite in a fundamentalist evangelical style church with an ever-questioning mind and a drive to make change in systems and communities in which people were suffering. My precocious and determined personality both benefited the church structure and threatened the status quo, and that tension played out for years. I first realized I was growing up in a toxic religious environment when I sought religious leadership in my teens. My home church denied women public leadership roles, supposedly on the basis of scripture. After asking my pastor if I could preach one Sunday and getting a heavy dose of theological gaslighting and character attacks in return, my sense of safety was shattered. I discovered how easy it was for someone to manipulate my perception of myself if they used religious language. I felt as if all human relationships were dangerous and God was a weapon they could use to hurt and control me.

The only way I was able to establish a sense of protection for myself was to abandon belief, but I didn’t feel free enough to abandon the church. Being a Mennonite was more than being a Christian. It was part of my cultural identity as well. I found myself doing a lot of mental gymnastics to stay in the community even when I didn’t believe. This included pursuing religious education through both undergraduate and graduate school. I received a Masters of Divinity and a placement as a pastor in the broader Mennonite Church within 2 weeks of each other. It was my dream job, the thing I worked my whole life to achieve, yet within 3.5 years I was having suicidal ideation weekly, and my 3-year relationship with antidepressants was doing nothing to stop it.

After quitting pastoring completely, I leveled with myself. Pastoring was a beautiful profession that I loved, but I had not truly chosen it or the Christian tradition for myself. My religious trauma chose instead. While pastoring, I was experiencing both the unresolved religious trauma of my past and the secondary traumatic stress of violent fundamentalist evangelical theology in the church at large.

As part of my own recovery from burnout, I started reading everything I could about trauma. Soon, I was taking training courses to be a trauma support specialist. Within 2 years I had worked under the mentorship of Dr. Marlene Winell, the psychologist who coined the term Religious Trauma Syndrome, had become credentialed for coaching through ICF, and certified by Forward Facing Institute as a Health and Wellness Coach for compassion fatigue and Adverse Childhood Experiences recovery. I also became a professional resilience coach and consultant for compassion fatigue.